No Toupee? Skip The Atlantic Grille At Seagate Hotel In Delray

DELRAY BEACH, FL ( — BY MORTY EATOWITZ, FOOD CRITIC — If you are heading to the Atlantic Grille at the Seagate Hotel on Atlantic Avenue in Delray Beach, you are best advised to bring your toupee, or a dinining companion with at least two layers of plastic surgery. Your trusty food critic did neither Saturday night and ended up paying the price.

Morty and his dashing dining companion, who will be delivering either a baby Morty or Morticia in the next few weeks, trekked to Delray for what we hoped to be a lovely “last night out for a while” date before the new baby is born. We chose the Atlantic Grille at the Seagate following a lovely breakfast several months ago at the hotel. Sadly, the main restaurant at the Seagate just doesn’t compare to the laid back and efficient experience at the breakfast nook.

It’s not that the food is bad. In fact, the food at the Atlantic Grille was quite good. But the management of the Atlantic Grille is so out of touch with its staff that you have to wonder how anyone gets seated.

And therein lies the the problem.

The hostess was wearing a black mini dress that Morty thinks he once saw in a documentary about hookers. “How could this be?” Morty asked the Hostessitute.

Morty Eatowitz is a big fan of Open Table, the online restaurant booking service utilized by restaurants nationwide. Morty doesn’t really like dealing with people, so if he can go online, he does. The reservation was made and an outside table was requested. The confirmation email specified just that. And when Morty and his very pregnant dining companion checked in, the hostess — wearing a black mini dress that Morty thinks he once saw in a documentary about hookers — confirmed that we could sit outside. But as we approached the table, much like a Century Village resident taking the Toyota Camry out for a spin, we were cut off at a high rate of speed by another hostess who seated her late-middle-aged customers at the last remaining outdoor table.

“How could this be?” Morty asked the Hostessitute. She paused for a second, then said, “you need to wait here while we buss another table. There’s nothing left outside. We can’t guarantee outside seating.”

Using the word “buss” at what is supposed to be a nice restaurant immediately destroys the mood, as “bussing” is something you do in the college cafeteria after you’re done eating. And to offer an outside table, only to have it taken away due to mismanagement, is simply unacceptable to Morty Eatowitz.

“Morty Eatowitz does not recommend the Atlantic Grille At The Seagate Hotel for anyone under 80.”

What makes it worse is upon Morty’s request, manager “Mark” came to our new table to explain how difficult it is to run a restaurant and that everyone can’t sit where they want to. He then went on to criticize “Open Table,” which likely violates their operating agreement with the company. He said that “Open Table” provides no information to the restaurant and that diners should call him directly. We don’t know if this was a subtle plea for a gratutity, but the comment is of course absurd. Open Table provides a restaurant with the same information it provides a customer upon confirmation. And either this or another Hostessitute called Morty on Saturday to confirm that an outside table was still being requested. (Editor’s Note: Learning from Rush Limbaugh’s error, we are not suggesting for a minute that a hostess at the Atlantic Grille is a prostitute. Their uniforms, however, have striking similarities to Morty’s perception of the stereotype, in Morty’s opinion).

Mark the manager then offered us the next outside table available. But when it became available just minutes later, he seated someone else, saying they had been waiting. Then Mark the Manager of the Atlantic Grille got up in Morty’s Grille to again explain how difficult it is to run a restaurant. Morty had to take three steps back to avoid being knocked over by Manager Mark’s breath.

45 minutes into our meal, Mark the Manager finally offered us an outside table that had opened up. We declined, as we were, you know, 45 minutes into our meal.

As Morty looked at the outside diners, he realized that clearly there was a problem, and something Morty couldn’t solve. While there’s no way to prove it, it seems — in Morty’s opinion — that the only people sitting outside had appeared in a “Hair Club For Men” commercial, and/or were dining with a companion who — as they say in Boca — “had some work done.”

To put it another way: The Atlantic Grille at the Seagate Hotel is not for people who grew up when Madonna, Cindi Lauper, and Bruce Springsteen topped the charts. It’s for a crowd that considers Neil Diamond to be a contemporary. If Cougars, or the male version of Cougars are your thing, you may have a lovely evening. But if you are looking for a nice restaurant with solid management and enough tables and chairs to make everyone happy, Morty suggests Nick’s New Haven Pizza — which we reviewed last week.

Morty Eatowitz does not recommend The Atlantic Grille at the Seagate Hotel for anyone under 80. And if you are over 80, Morty suggests that you give your grandkids the $150 you’ll spend there and just eat in your facility’s dining room.

Morty Eatowitz does not recommend The Atlantic Grille at the Seagate Hotel for anyone under 80. And if you are over 80, Morty suggests that you give your grandkids the $150 you’ll spend there and just eat in your facility’s dining room.

Rating: On a scale from 1 to 5 Morties, where “More Morties Means More,” we bestow just one “Morty” on the Atlantic Grille at Seagate Hotel.

Note to the Seagate Hotel: Morty will happily re-review your restaurant following a management change and reconsideration of the role “Open Table” plays with your reservations. If you are going to advertise your use of Open Table, it is our position that these reservations must be given the same priority and attention as reservations made by telephoning the restaurant directly.


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